Which Comes First: Feelings or Actions?
You could Lose a Guy in 10 Days…or maybe don’t?
Hollywood is filled with examples of how to recognize what it feels like to feel drawn to someone at first, to feel the heat of passion flare up, and to feel desire intensify as people are drawn together. Yet, there are very few films that showcase what love looks like when it lasts decades. These films tend to make us forget that attraction does not equate to love. Love requires so much more than romantic interest or friendly compatibility; it takes commitment. And that commitment is what builds the feelings of trust and longing that is required when the burning of new relationship energy begins to fade. Where lust fills us with dopamine for the first 6-18 months of a relationship, commitment releases oxytocin and vasopressin, chemicals associated with long-lasting love.
So then, what does committed love look like? Paramount to one’s relationship trajectory is healthy expectations, and most of us do not get enough examples of long-lasting relationships to emulate. Most Psychologists and Biochemists who study committed relationships have noticed a correlation with three consistent practices among long, stable relationships with high levels of oxytocin. Fostering mutual feelings of:
Appreciation - showing gratitude for little things, big things, and so much in between: knowing your loved one(s) regularly feel thankful for you promotes bonding hormones.
Trust - whether you maintain it faithfully or persistently rebuild it, most partners find an almost instinctual secure attachment with partners that regularly nurture mutual trust.
Safety - both feeling secure in one’s bond or a drive to keep a beloved safe from various harms indicates high levels of vasopressin and a switch from attraction to bonding.
If you’d like to read more about the neuroscience behind human connection and what markers indicate longevity, the following articles are a great read! The first is easier for the layperson, while the second from the APA goes a little further in depth!
https://www.chemistryworld.com/features/the-chemistry-of-love/4018801.article
